The road to a healthier life...

Warning - this is a long post!!!

So, anyone who knows me, knows that I don't live the healthiest life in the world. I've always been a bigger gal (except for during the ages of 13-17). I have always been addicted to Dr. Pepper. I have smoked since I was about 12 years old. I do drink alcohol, but only occasionally (I come from a long line of alcoholics, so I try to avoid being that way). My food intake is... well lets just say, not healthy. I HATE exercise, even if I could do it without any issues.

About 6 years ago now, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, and Rheumatoid Arthritis. Or so I thought. I have chronic pain. Tons of symptoms of Fibro. However. I have a doctor who doesn't believe in Fibro. So, I recently found out that instead of putting Fibro in my charts, she has put me down as someone with Chronic Pain. I'm on all the medications for Fibro, but she won't actually put that word in my chart, since she doesn't believe in it. In order to get diagnosed OFFICIALLY, I am going to have to see a doctor who either A. Believes in Fibro, or B. a Rheumatologist (which is way too expensive for someone with ZERO insurance). We cannot afford the 500+ that the Healthcare Marketplace requires for insurance. We don't qualify for State insurance, and I cannot get disability unless I find a doctor who will officially diagnose me the way I should be. Needless to say, that is for another post.

So, because of my health issues. Exercise is pretty crappy for me. Something as simple as cleaning the house takes it out of me. Ever heard of the spoon theory? Yeah... I live by that every single day. If I go for a walk, I'm usually down for the rest of the night. My aches and pains are horrid at times, and tolerable at others. Somedays, I don't know if the pain is just not as bad as it used to be, or if my tolerance for the pain has gotten greater over the years. I do swim (we bought a pool when we moved a year ago specially for the kids and myself), as much as possible. This is about the only exercise I can do that actually doesn't hurt while doing it. If I overdo it though, I do feel it later.

I have tried TONS of diets. At one point, I was up over 300#, and my non-believing doctor actually put me on Phentermine (this was long after they removed the Phen-Phen from it, not as much of a risk). This was helping. I was dropping about a pound a week. IF I STAYED ON IT. As soon as I come off it, Even if I kept my diet the same as while on it, I would put the pounds back on. I have never been one to just gain weight. I have never been one that could eat what she wanted, and not gain a pound either though. Since having my first child when I was 17, I have hovered around 275-315. Before I got pregnant, I weight a whopping 114#. After having my second child, my son, I had dropped at one point down to 215#. Then I met my second husband, got pregnant with another kid, and haven't been that small since. Regardless of which diet I try.

I'm not here to type up a poor pity me blog post. This is more of a vent, and to help let other women, and men know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! There are plenty of us out there who have tried and tried again, and not been successful.

One thing I have found that helps with my weight, and how I feel. HAPPINESS. Regardless of what you try, what you do, how many times you do it, etc... If you are not Happy, NOTHING WILL WORK. For instance. When with my ex, a gf and I were walking every single day. Morning and evening. The pain KILLED me during the day, and I would spend most of it either soaking in the pool to ease the pain, or asleep with sleeping pills to keep me from feeling it. However, I was DETERMINED to lose weight. I was so unhappy with my marriage though. After three months of doing this (walking at least 2 miles in the AM when the kids got on the bus, and in the afternoon after they got home), I hadn't shed a single pound or inches. In fact I had GAINED weight. Not muscle weight either. I have discovered regardless of what anyone says. If you are not happy, nothing will help. Plain and simple.

3 years ago, I packed up and left my husband (again, another story, another time). The first year gone was HARD. My weight fluctuated drastically. We're talking I'd be down 30#, then back up 50#... It bounced like that for almost a year and a half. I fought hard to find a place to live. To find work, etc. When we finally got everything taken care of, the man I was seeing and I moved back to Kansas and settled in not far from family and friends. Things were crazy at first. Moving back to my home state. Introducing him to a new state. Finding work. Setting up a schedule with the kids, ball games etc. We were always on the go, so we were always eating junk food. Cheap stuff we could purchase and heat up quickly. As many of you know, that is NOT healthy. It's all processed crap. Usually with a lot of sugar, starch, and tons of stuff you probably cannot even pronounce.

I have always been one who loves to cook. Despite being busy or not. My current fiance was a sous chef for many years, so he loves to cook as well, when he's not dog ass tired. He knows SO MUCH MORE than I do when it comes to cooking, new ingredients, healthier options, etc. Over the course of the last year or so, he has been teaching me what he knows. Pulling me out of my comfort zone. Making me like foods I NEVER even considered eating before. Hell, he's even gotten me to eat foods that I HATED all by cooking them a different way. Our diet has changed DRASTICALLY.

I am not exactly sure when I started losing weight. Or even so much as to why! I am not currently on any diet pills. Although I have a box full of them. Ally, Phentermine, Garcinia Cambogia, Slim Quick... You name it, I probably have some of it. I just haven't touched it. When we moved, I bought a scale. Now, I normally don't post my weight, because I am ashamed of it, but whatever, right? I am who I am. When we moved away from Kansas, I weighed in at 310#. When we moved back, I was at 289#. In January, at my last doctor visit, I was at 285#. When I weighed this week, I had dropped to 273#!!! This is the first time I have been below 282# in TEN YEARS!! I don't know how!

One of the things we have done over the last year, as I stated earlier, is changing our ways of cooking. We eat a lot of fish, and chicken. Sometimes we get pork as well, on sale, but not as often as fish or chicken. We usually get it on sale at the grocery store. Rarely do we eat any kind of red meat. Although we both LOVE steak and burgers, it's always too expensive for our budget. Occasionally we will catch a sale and have red meat, but not often. I have found TONS of ways to cook fish and chicken that I actually LIKE. I have always loved chicken. Pretty much any way you can cook it. Fried, Baked, Broiled, Grilled. You name it. Fish... well let's just say I HATED fish. Shortly after Chip got the job he has now, we went to eat to celebrate at a place in Iola. They had fried catfish that I fell in love with. It MELTED in your mouth. So he explained to me how to make it so that it didn't taste as fishy, and I've been sold ever since.

We do eat a lot of pasta. I know this isn't good for someone on a diet. However, we really aren't dieting. We probably should cut back our pasta intake (in lue of his recent visit to the hospital where his BP and Cholesterol were outrageous). It's very hard to do so though when you are on a budget. Pasta is cheap and filling. I've learned to make new sauces to put on it. It compliments everything so very well. We also go crazy on potatoes too. Here's my thing though. Even though we go crazy with Pasta and Potatoes, I PORTION. I don't eat nearly as much as I used to. I eat a lot of ramen noodles during the week, for lunch. It's quick, cheap and easy to eat when he isn't home. But again, I don't eat near as much in one sitting. I probably have 3-4 meals a day, on a good day. Smaller meals, but spread out through the day. Anyone who has dieted has been told at one point or another, "several small meals through the day is better than 2-3 larger meals"... I think that is ringing true for me! We have also added more veggies to our diet. I have always been one of those gals who ONLY ate fresh corn on the cob, and green beans. That was about the only veggies you would EVER get in me. Now, I have eaten asparagus (it's okay, not my fave, and I wouldn't request it, but it's alright), lots of peppers (we purchase these on a regular basis now days), lots of onions, tomatoes and fruits as well. Again, I have come WAY out of my comfort zone with cooking!

I have also cut back my soda intake. MOST of the time. There are still some days or weeks where I go overboard. I catch myself doing so now. I didn't used to realize how much soda I was drinking, until a 12 pack was gone in one day, from me and me alone drinking it! Yes I was drinking a 12 pack or more in ONE DAY. I know, horrible right? I have actually started drinking A LOT more water than I used to. Keep in mind, when I started doing this, I actually gained weight. Lots of water weight I am guessing, but after my body adjusted to it, I started dropping the pounds a few at a time.

Since I started dropping weight, and we changed how much we eat, and the types of food that we eat. I actually feel better! It hasn't helped with the pain any.. I am still working on that. However, I feel I have more energy. Sometimes I can push through the pain because of that. I am awake more during the day (I used to sleep a lot during the day.. partially because I was unhappy but also because I had ZERO energy). I am on Paxil now for my depression and anxiety attacks, which helps with that as well. Some folks say anti depressants will cause you to gain weight. That rang true for me, the last two that I was on, did cause me to pack on some pounds, so I am grateful that the Paxil does NOT do that to me! I find myself wanting to get out more, and do more things. Not only because I am happy, but also because I feel better. I feel better about myself, and how I am starting to look. I feel better energy wise, and want to do more things. All around I simply feel better!

I know this is a long ass post, and if you're still with me, great, keep reading! If you're not, oh well.

Last week Chip called me and said he was on his way home.. He couldn't breath, didn't feel right etc. He got to the house, and he was shaking so bad. We took him to the local ER, and the doctor said he had a mild heart attack. His EKG was reading abnormal, and they were going to ship him by Ambulance to Emporia, where they have an Cardio doc that will see him. I  FREAKED THE FUCK OUT. (Pardon the language). Keep in mind. Chip is 16 years older than me. We have had this talk before. I have prepared myself that he will, most likely, pass before I do (although we have argued about this, as I have enough health issues that I could possibly go before him). However, I was not ready for him to go. I waited 30 years to find my soul mate. The one man who could make me feel loved inside and out, every single day. That is him. I wasn't ready to lose him. So, despite us not having insurance, he went to Emporia.

When we got there, we found out that in addition to his mild heart attack, he was severely dehydrated, and his kidneys weren't functioning properly. His cholesterol was 270+ and his BP was outrageously high! They THINK he might have some blockage, but we didn't have the money to do the stress test, and other tests they needed to find out. We opted for him to stay one night, and see how his bloodwork was before doing those tests. By the next day, his dehydration wasn't as bad (although he was still slightly dehydrated), and his bloodwork for his heart attack was coming back normal (where it wasn't the night before.) His EKG was even reading normal again by the next afternoon. This was so very scary, and maybe just what he needed to join me in our healthier lifestyle adventure.

We have both decided at this point, to work on our diet more. We are going to TRY to change how we eat. Do a little less fried things, and a few more baked. We're both needing more protein, and other good vitamins in our diet, so we are going to work on that as well. I have been getting a few gluten free products as well lately, as I am told they will make me feel better! We are slowly but surely working on quitting smoking (although I am in no rush until I lose more weight, as I know I will gain a few pounds when I quit). I am working on cutting soda completely and totally out of my diet as well. Except for maybe special occasions or dinners out when we get the rare chance to do so.

Again, I know this was a long post. Just remember, you are  NOT alone. I hope that some of the information in this blog post helps you. Also, if you have any tips, PLEASE feel free to share them in the comments! Tips are always appreciated! This is going to be a long and strenuous journey I feel, and support is always welcome!

Musical Memories?

So here lately, I have been listening to a lot of music. I used to do so all the time. Somehow, over the last few years, I have drifted away from it. I didn't even think about as to why I don't listen to it anymore. My husband would come home, and play a song that he heard at work, that he though I would like. Other than that, I didn't play it much at home.

When I say I used to all the time, I mean there would ALWAYS be music playing. In the house, in the shop, in the car.

While listening the last few days, and scrolling through some old playlists, I quickly started to realize why I don't listen as much anymore. Musical memories. This shouldn't change how I feel about music. I've let it do just that though.

As the old saying (or song) goes. "Ain't it funny how a melody can bring back a memory? Take you to another place and time." This is sooooooo very true. You could be sitting there happy as can be, and when that certain song comes on, your mood can shift so very quickly.

As anyone I am sure, I have those songs that instantly perk me up. Wake me up. Make me want to dance and play. Put a smile on my face. Make me laugh when I think about something that happened associated to that song. However, I also have those songs that can instantly piss me off. Put me in a horrible mood. Make me cry. Songs we've heard in the past, during any kind of event, will almost always make us thing of said event when they play.

For instance. I have one particular song, that I cannot for the life of me remember the name of, or most of the lyrics to. A boyfriend sent me the song on a tape when I was away at Military school my freshman year. He sent it because he missed me, and because our best friend had passed away while I was gone. I will forever recognize that song when/if it plays on the radio. As soon as the melody starts playing, before any words are out, I will think of Robert and Nicole. I will miss them, and feel bad that I was not there for Nicole's funeral.

I remember songs that played at parties in high school. Or shortly there after. Songs that make me think of my friends who I don't get to see or talk to near as much. Or some of the stupid stupid stupid crap we did growing up, LOL.

I have at least 2 dozen songs, that when I hear them, make me laugh and smile. Songs that when they would come on the radio in the car, my kids would BELT out like never before. The whole car would instantly be filled with my beautiful children's voices and be upbeat and happy. I can always hear their voices even if they aren't with me when those songs come on the radio. When they are with me, they STILL belt them out. Years later. Songs that were their 'first' song they ever sang. Ones they knew ever word to, and I would catch them singing with no radio while they were cleaning their room or playing. I will never forget those songs, and I will always associate them with my children. Until the day I die.

Then there are those songs that remind me of my exes. Good times and bad. The songs that make you think 'what if?'. What if you had done things differently? What if you hadn't done something? What if they had done things differently, or not done something they did? Would things be different or would they be the same? What if they hadn't taken a certain job? Or what if they had taken that job? If something wouldn't have happened, would you be where you are today? Would you have what you have today? What if you had never met them?

There are also those songs that remind you of the fantastic times. When my current spouse and I met, we were playing a game called Second Life. We would go to clubs in world, and dance. There are so many songs that I associate with him and I. Some make me shake my head and think 'what the hell?!' Others make me laugh and smile. Some of those make me think 'what if?' as well. I remember the songs we listened to as we traveled from state to state, unsure of what was going to happen next, or where we would end up. I remember the songs that were playing on the radio when we sold the house and had the music playing in the background. I remember the first song we ever danced to. The songs we listened to coming here to Kansas.

Every song I ever knew has some kind of memory tied to it. At one point in my life, I refused to listen to certain songs because of that. Then I figured, Why?? I mean really. That is a part of my life! The good and the bad. You can't change the past. You can only remember or forget it. Why would you want to forget something that made you who you are today? Yes it might be painful, however, YOU MADE IT THROUGH. If you hear that song, you should be proud! Be proud that you made it through that painful time. Or that you have a memory of that great time. I have tons and tons and tons of songs in my music library. Each one has some kind of memory, big or small, that made me who I am today. In the years to come, I plan to add more to my 'Memory Library'.

It's all a part of who we are. Who we've been, and who we will become. I've learned to cherish it, even if it isn't the most pleasant memory.